Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Crossroads

Warning: The following post may make no sense.

We've got a 5-month-old baby (that's the good part!), no jobs (well, just part-time non-permanent stuff), we've got to move in a month, we don't know where to move, we're going to Canada in August, we don't know exactly what to do when we get back, I'm getting tired of living in a small apartment in Seoul surrounded by concrete and construction, I haven't done much professional development in recent years, I have insomnia.

I've been having these panicky moments lately where I'm like -- OMG, I'm nearly 30 and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And I reflect. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I was once good at a few things. I was accepted into the music program in uni, major instrument saxophone, minor instrument piano. I won the technical award when I graduated high school for my work in architectural drafting. I received a letter from the Dean for getting the highest mark in my French program in uni.

Fast forward to today. I don't play the saxophone and rarely play the piano. I'm not an architect. I don't speak French at all anymore. I have a BA in English (with honours), and that's about it. Bugger All.

So I hate that I find myself in this situation. I have all these "I wish I would haves" and "I should haves."

I didn't intend to stay in Korea this long. I got my honours in English so that I could enroll in graduate studies when I returned to Canada some day. Then I met Sejin. It was the best thing that could have happened and I don't regret staying, but I think we should have set some clearly defined goals for the future. Instead we've just been letting the years pass by... Yes, years pass by inevitably, but I only wish they were more productive.

I suppose it's no use whining about it. It's just that the next several years seem so daunting because I feel like we are going to have to start from square one. Both Sejin and I need more education. We need to get good jobs, hopefully ones that we like. We need to make sure Grace is happy through all of this. We need to decide which country we are going to live in.

But which decision to start with?

This post is definitely not going to help my insomnia. I've got work to do...

I'll post a picture. I think this is pretty funny. Grace looks huge here. Last time we had her weighed she was 8.5 kg or 18 lbs 11 oz. I think her weight will level out soon. It has to. I was carrying her like this because it's a kind of stretching exercise for her torticollis.

6 comments:

Our Little Bonbon said...

She definitely doesn't look that big in person! Too funny.

I hope you two are able to get a good sense of which direction to take soon. We can definitely understand a bit of what you are going through. {{hugs}} 아자아자 화이팅!

Mama Seoul said...

I've done the same thing. Graduated with a bachelors but didn't really know what I wanted to do and did a bit and this and that, got married, had kids and have no real career on the horizon. I will have to go back to school if I want a career, not just a job.

Just keep talking and writing and slowly your goals and priorities will emerge.

Maybe get some info on graduate program when you go back to Canada. It is probably too late for this fall, but you could plan to apply next fall.

The best parts of life don't fit well on a resume. Just listen to your gut!

San said...

Ha haa its funny the pic.... both of you luk gud too... she is so cute.

I can understand how you feel. At some point or other I always feel like this. But, finally, in the end, everything will go on well..!

Catherine said...

My husband & I are both trying to figure out what we want to do "when we grow up." I think I know what I want to do, but it involves (of course) more school. You'll figure it out. Putting it all down in writing helps a bit, at least for me.

MommyCha said...

You're a mother now and that is one of the most important jobs around! You are doing your best, putting your talents and energy into this job. The accolades you receive for a job well done are the smiles and laughter from your beautiful, happy and healthy daughter. You are raising her in a Foreign country without the support network of your family and friends back home. This isn't exactly something everyone can do easily! Take a deep breath, step back and realize there are different measures of success in your life now.
You're doing great, be proud of yourself!
HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Hi there! I was a bit surprised about this post. I just found your blog and when I read your posts I became so jelous and felt, wow she is really brave, she came far. I felt "what am I doing?". I'm the same age, 29, a phd-student with a long-distance relationship with a korean guy. When I saw you and your husband and daughter I was so jelous and thought I would really want what you have.

So take it easy. I guess you can't have everything. And if you wanna work on your career I'm sure that day will come. Good luck!